The Guide to Parenting from Prison

The majority of prisoners leave behind victims. Prisoners that are parents have left children as victims of their incarceration. In the United States, there are an estimated 2.7 million children of inmates. These kids pay a terrible price when a parent is incarcerated.

For starters, they have lost a parent – mom or dad. When a parent is locked away, there are unimaginable emotional impacts on the children. They include grief, anger, loneliness, shame, guilt, abandonment, insecurity, and fear.

Sadly in some cases, kids are relieved when a parent is incarcerated. Such situations are common where the imprisoned parent was hurting the family emotionally and/or physically. But in the majority of cases, children miss and love their imprisoned parent(s). If you have children and are incarcerated, you can still be a parent to your kids.

Don’t let pain, guilt, anger, and loneliness prevent you from parenting in prison. Even if you weren’t a good parent in the past, you can make a fresh start in parenting while in prison. Keep in mind there are events out of your control that determine how you parent while incarcerated.

The following are tips to help you parent from prison if you are permitted contact with your children.

Becoming a Better Parent in Prison

In prison, there are resources and programs designed to help you parent from the inside. Some correctional facilities have programs such as parenting courses and the “InsideOut Dad” program from the National Fatherhood Initiative.

Check with the prison administration to find out the programs available.

Below, we look at some important tips to consider in your journey of parenting from prison.

1. Stay in Touch

Make efforts to stay in touch with your kids. They may not be allowed to visit often, and sometimes they may not be allowed to visit at all. The good news is you can write to them.

Don’t worry if they don’t write to you. Always make sure your write to them at least once a month. Additionally, try and find ways you can talk to your children when you call home.

2. Tell Them You Accept and Love Them Unconditionally

Think of how to talk to your children on the phone, in person, or through letters. Things you should ask yourself include:

Do you lift them up or put them down in some way?
Do you spend time complimenting or criticizing them, or do you do a little of both?

Never make your kids feel you are down on them. This will make them feel they are inadequate or unwanted. The move might make them look for other ways to feel accepted and loved. The methods they choose may not be healthy. Make sure your children know again and again you value and love them.

Some programs for prisoners are designed to help parents in prison connect with their kids. For example, some groups give children gifts from donations and well-wishers. Such groups send the present to your kid, but they use your name so that your kid “knows” the present has come from you.

Some groups offer year-round opportunities for children of various ages. These groups may offer opportunities for a summer camp or sports clinic. You need to talk with your prison’s administration to determine if such programs are available and how to join them.

3. Make Your Kids Understand they aren’t Responsible

Never allow your children to think they are in any way responsible for your incarceration. Kids are likely to wonder if they did something wrong and that something resulted in their parent’s imprisonment. Common questions kids ask themselves include:

Did mommy start substance abuse because I am a bad kid?
Did daddy leave because he doesn’t love me?

Make sure you reassure your kids as often as possible. Explain to them that you are in prison because you made some bad choices and they are not at fault. Make them understand they are not to blame.

4. Take Risks for Your Children

One of the biggest risks for prisoners is admitting to their children they made bad choices that landed them in prison. After explaining this, it may be a challenge to ask for forgiveness from your kids. It may seem like a challenge, but it’s the first step to rebuilding strong bonds.

Get ready to receive strong emotions such as anger. Accept these feelings as normal and avoid making them feel ashamed or guilty for having such feelings. Be open and allow your kids to talk through their concerns and feelings.

Such a move ensures they feel you aren’t a threat. They will feel you are a safe person to talk to, which means they will trust you to be there for them no matter what.

5. Make a Connection with What They Like

Find out what your kids enjoy doing and try to make a connection with at least one of them. For example, you can find out what they like in school such as their favorite subject or sports. You can also determine what they like to do on weekends or when they have some personal time.

There is a prisoner who had a son that liked biology and science. The dad got interested and requested a health organization for free materials for each subject. One set was mailed to his son and the other to him in prison.

They shared with each other and learned a lot. The boy was ecstatic considering he was bonding with his father over something they both loved.

Another thing you can consider is learning a new language. Many children try to learn a new language in school. You can be there for your kid by learning the same language as them. For instance, you can write simple letters to your child using the language you’re learning.

6. Become a Long-distance Fan or Coach

Some inmates have a kid that loves football, basketball, baseball, or some other sport. Some have kids in the school dance club or the cheerleading team. Whatever the case, you can become a long-distance fan or coach.

Start by learning everything you can about the sport. After all, you have all the time in the world to learn and understand it. Figure out the skills someone needs to do a particular activity or play a specific sport. Find out the rules of the game and the role models of your child in a particular sport or activity.

Staying on top of what your child is doing and what interests them is a great way to connect with your kid from prison. You get to share more with them during visits, in phone calls, or in letters. You also get to give them motivation and support by guiding them and cheering on their efforts.

7. Respect the Caregiver

When you are incarcerated, your children usually live with your spouse. In some cases, they may have to live with a foster parent, a relative, a family friend, or grandparents. It’s a challenge not being able to have an input on your child’s upbringing daily.

This means you may fail to agree with some things the caregiver is doing.

With this in mind, you should be careful of how you speak to the caregiver, especially in front of your children. Your kids are going through a lot of turmoil considering their normal routine has been changed.

If they hear you criticize or insult the person taking care of them, they become more confused and stressed.

8. Let Your Children be Children

Your absence causes a substantial change at home when you go to prison. Some children of inmates tend to take on more responsibilities. These include helping to care for their siblings and/or doing household chores.

If they come to visit, make sure they can play and relax. Avoid leaving them to entertain themselves because you want to talk to your spouse or the adults who came with them.

Never make your kids a confidante of your frustrations and problems. This makes them feel responsible for your feelings and well-being. As children, this is not their job. Just let them be children.

Dealing with Feelings and Emotions of Children with Incarcerated Parents

For some kids, the experience of having a parent imprisoned is emotionally devastating. For others, it’s less serious while some may feel relieved. A variety of factors affect the impact of a parent’s incarceration on a child. They include their age and reactions from their community, friends, and family.

Children are likely to have strong feelings. They may come one by one or they may come as an emotional rollercoaster. It’s crucial to ensure you help your children understand and work through what they feel.

A great place to start is to name their feelings.

Find out what your children are feeling by asking them. This way, you understand what they feel and can determine the best solution for their feelings. Usually, kids will say they feel confused, lonely, angry, embarrassed, overwhelmed, shy, or sad.

If you have teenagers, journaling is a good way for them to express how they feel at any time. You can assist them to put names to the emotions they are experiencing. The terms below can be used to define complicated emotions.

Confused-This means your child is disorganized and finds it hard to focus. They may not know what to think or do.
Lethargic- It means the kid is tired. They may also feel mentally dull and physically slow.
Overwhelmed- This means your child feels they have limited control, uncertainty, too much responsibility, and/or too much is happening.
Apathetic- Not bothering to do anything or not taking interest in anything. It may also mean your kid is unenergetic or indifferent.
Disappointed- Not sure who they can trust and they may have been let down by people who are important in their life.
Distant- This feeling may mean your child is rejecting you. It also means they may not want to identify or be associated with an incarcerated parent.
Inadequate- This means they feel they aren’t good enough. They may feel they have failed to live up to their expectations and those of others.

How To Answer Common Questions Children Ask

Parenting from prison is not a walk in the park. There are questions your kids may ask that you don’t know how to answer. To make things easier, the following is a list of common questions and the best way to answer them.

Keep in mind that these questions can be answered differently. Things you need to consider are the maturity and age of the child.

1. Why is Dad or Mom in Prison?

People are sent to prison because they made a mistake and broke the law. Laws are designed to show us how we should behave. As a child, you also have rules you need to follow. Explain to the child that going to prison is similar to them losing privileges or getting a time-out.

Make sure they understand that going to prison is the equivalent of a long timeout for an adult.

If you are talking to teenagers, make sure they understand actions have consequences. Explain to them that the consequence of breaking the law is going to jail or prison. Talk to them about the rules they should follow and the consequences for breaking the rules.

2. Did Daddy or Mommy Go to Jail Because of Something I Did?

Many children feel it’s their fault when a parent is sent to prison. This is due to the guilt they feel. Make sure you provide your child with a safe, unhurried, relaxed, and nonjudgmental place to express their feelings.

Make sure they can comfortably express their beliefs and thoughts concerning why their parent is in prison. Children need to realize two things:

They aren’t responsible for their parent’s actions and behaviors, and the consequences of the same.
The negative consequences of breaking the law

3. Will I be taken to Prison?

Just because you are incarcerated doesn’t mean your child will follow you. Make sure your child understands the importance of making good choices. Let them know that they are good and should continue being good.

4. What will happen to me?

Children experience changes in their lives when a parent goes to prison. No one likes uncertainty. The following are answers you can give your children to assure them that they are cared for.

Make them understand that nothing bad will happen to them because you are incarcerated
Let them know some changes may occur because of your absence. For example, make sure they understand they may have to move and/or live with different people
Assure them that they will always be loved even if you don’t get to talk and hang out as you used to

5. Where will you be living?

For younger children, make sure they understand you will be living away from home as punishment for your mistakes. You can tell them living in prison is like detention, but for a long period.

For older children, assure them that you are provided with the basics such as a bed and food to eat. These answers give them peace of mind and reduce their worry and stress levels.

6. What do you eat in Prison?

Explain to your children that the prison has a dining room similar to the school cafeteria. Let them know you go through a line and can make a limited selection of the food you eat. Of course, explain to them that luxuries such as takeout are not available in prison.

In some prisons, your food is delivered to your cell in trays. Explain to your children that you are eating a balanced diet. For example, you can say something like – I eat my veggies every day and so should you.

7. What Do You Wear in Prison?

Each prison is different when it comes to the clothes you can wear. A typical outfit may be hospital scrubs or a jumpsuit in colors such as dark green, tan, or orange. Some prisons give inmates blue jackets, blue button-down shirts, and denim pants.

Let your child know that you will be wearing a uniform, similar to those of people working in a restaurant or grocery store. Make sure they understand you can’t wear what you like because you have to follow the rules of the prison.

8. Do you Work or Go to School in Prison?

Sometimes inmates are given jobs in prison. In other prisons, you can get an education and even a degree. For example, there is a Huber work release program. It’s a privilege that allows inmates to work outside the prison.

In other jails, there are programs such as STS (Sentence to Serve). The program allows prisoners to complete court-oriented obligations and learn new skills. It’s usually done through the DCC (Department of Community Corrections. Here. Inmates, work on community improvement projects.

If you happen to be on such a program or going for classes, share this with your child. It helps them know you are keeping busy and living a normal life despite incarceration. If you attend classes, sharing your struggles and victories with your education encourages your children.

9. What do you do in Prison?

In prison, you are required to spend your time productively. You either attend special programs, go to school, or work. Classes may be educational or parenting education classes. You can also pursue hobbies such as writing, reading, and participating in arts, and sports where applicable.

Let your child know what you are doing in your free time. Explain to them how you go about your activity and what challenges you face.

Where possible, try and start a hobby that your child has an interest in. Make sure you keep it positive to avoid alarming or worrying your child. This way, you can have more to discuss and strengthen your bond.

Conclusion

Parenting from prison is not a daunting task as long as you have the resources to do the same. Use the above information to get ideas on where to start and how to overcome various hurdles.

Keep in mind that you may need to get creative. Not every prison is the same and you need to make the best out of what you have. Remember, when you are positive, your children tend to worry less.