How to Preserve Your Marriage in Prison
Going to prison takes a toll and causes severe strain on any marriage. Research shows that 85% of marriages fall apart when a spouse goes to prison.
Various factors contribute to a marriage falling apart. That said, there are some strategies you can use to ensure you keep your marriage alive after one spouse has been incarcerated.
Read on to get tips that help you maintain your marriage when you are incarcerated.
Tips for Incarcerated Spouses
1. Own up to Your Mistakes
The first thing an incarcerated spouse should do is get over their self-pity. The best way to start is to take responsibility for the actions that got you to prison. Such a move allows you to open a new page in your life and marriage. So how do you do this?
Make sure you communicate with your spouse. Rebuilding trust and confidence takes time and is crucial to maintaining the relationship.
2. Understand Your Spouse’s Challenges
You also need to be sensitive to the challenges your spouse is going through. For example, a wife needs to assume some new responsibilities that were yours before incarceration. Keep in mind your spouse feels alone and is adjusting to the new changes. Listen to her needs and make your needs a second priority.
Avoid tearing each other down and make sure you protect your spouse’s feelings. Disagree when it’s necessary and learn to forgive and forget. Try and find solutions where everyone is a winner. Overlook and avoid anything that irritates you.
3. Trust
Make sure your trust your spouse and ensure he/she knows it it. Don’t allow other people to plant suspicions that make you doubt your spouse. In prison, you will get information regarding other prisoners and their marriages. Don’t let such information make you doubt your spouse’s commitment and faithfulness to you.
4. Factor in your Children
Any person who is in prison and married with children should understand that children have an effect on their marriage. They shouldn’t divide you but unite you instead.
Never allow your children to use you to change your spouse’s parenting decisions. For instance, avoid taking a child’s side against your spouse. Do this even if the child is right. Avoid letting the shared responsibility of the kids interfere with your loyalty and responsibility to your spouse.
Always support your spouse by maintaining your role as a parent. Discuss any decision related to your children and the family as a whole.
5. Making the Most of Your Visit
A visit from your spouse is a wonderful time for renewal and joy. Unfortunately, you may waste it if the two of you fail to connect.
The most common way inmates waste a visit is by getting into an argument. To avoid this, make a list of the things you need to address. Secondly, be careful how you respond to any news.
For example, if you get news that something went wrong, don’t start pointing fingers. Instead, listen with empathy and try and provide a solution. Remember your spouse is juggling a lot and you need to be a shoulder she can lean on.
6. Making Phone Calls
Ensure to communicate regularly with your spouse via phone calls. This way, your connection will always be alive as you wait on visitation.
7. Count Your Blessings
Many spouses make a lot of sacrifices to visit their partners in prison. They also go through impatient treatment by prison staff, long waits, and all hassles of security clearances. In some cases, a pat down is required which is embarrassing, to say the least.
Keep in mind they go through all this only to see you. You should never take their visit for granted. Make sure your spouse understands how much you appreciate their commitment and sacrifice.
Tips for Spouses of Incarcerated Partners
When you have a husband or wife in prison, you are responsible for paying additional childcare, legal services, commissary items, and so forth. But this is just money. There are issues like physical and emotional tolls related to having an incarcerated spouse.
To make your marriage work you need to prioritize your mental health. The list below gives tips to help you cope while your spouse is in prison.
1. Volunteering
Research shows that one of the best ways to cope with an incarcerated spouse is giving back. A good example is FAMM (Families Against Mass Incarceration) that provides a voice for wives and their families living outside of prison. Such volunteering groups work together to lobby for change for the incarcerated while giving back to the community.
The options for volunteering are endless, ranging from volunteering in animal rescue shelters to tree planting and beach clean-ups.
2. Fostering
A void is felt when a spouse goes to prison. Filling that void is natural. However, note that coping is based on healthy behaviors. You need to fill the void with things that positively affect your family.
A great way to give back while ensuring you fill the void is by adopting an animal, fostering, or volunteering. It’s also a great way of coping with challenges. Studies indicate that having a pet makes you live happier and longer!
Fostering and volunteering are great ways to experience the therapeutic advantages of living around animals. Dog lovers need to consider getting a therapy dog. For example, people challenged by PTSD are often given therapy dogs trained to respond to and watch emotional triggers.
3. Getting a Hobby
Worrying about a spouse in prison is normal, but remember to focus on yourself. One of the best ways to go about it is partaking in a hobby you like. Repetitive hobbies like crocheting or knitting for wives are effective in decreasing stress. Reading is also a great way to relieve stress and unwind.
If you don’t have a hobby, the following is a list that gives you an idea of where to start:
- Nature walks
- Scrapbooking
- Writing
- Reading
- Gardening
- Ceramics and pottery
- Painting and drawing
You can also opt for other activities such as photography or scavenger hunts and trivia, especially for men.
4. Keep Healthy
Thoughts about your incarcerated spouse may take a toll on you. However, even though your support is crucial, you shouldn’t forget about your well-being.
Stress causes unhealthy lifestyle choices. For instance, wives of incarcerated individuals are known to turn to alcohol, cigarettes, and fast food. They do this in a bid to get instant gratification during challenging times. Unfortunately, such options deceptively worsen anxiety and stress.
The sad part is unhealthy coping behaviors are the beginning of addiction. The first step to coping is getting healthy.
Try and indulge in healthy options such as workouts combined with hobbies. Lastly, a balanced diet with minimal fast food and take outs go a long way to getting and staying healthy.
5. Crying is Okay
When a spouse is sent to prison, you automatically become the rock of the family. Everyone looks to you to get updates. Family and friends make you the USB hub that they can plug into.
Staying strong for family and friends during this time takes its toll. That’s why it’s okay to cry. Some studies prove crying is healthy because it improves your mood while reducing stress. Embrace crying by dropping the stigma because it is a coping mechanism.
6. Self-Care Day
Even though you need to cope the healthy way, don’t forget to spoil yourself once in a while. This can be done by having a self-care day dedicated only to you. For instance, relaxing is a great way to have a self-care day.
There are plenty of essential oils you can use to stay relaxed. For example, draw a rose bubble bath and light some scented candles (lavender-scented candles are a great option). Alternatively, you can use this time to catch up on a favorite TV show or read your favorite book.
7. Take a Walk
You don’t need to do marathons to keep your mind busy while improving your health. A good place to start is walking around your block. If you didn’t know, walking improves your mood by producing happy endorphins. Additionally, it boosts memory and reduces stress.
Walking allows you to get physical and mental benefits associated with fresh air. Apart from being crucial for a healthy immune system, fresh air helps in fighting depression. Try taking a walk when you feel stressed. You’ll notice your stress levels decrease when you take a breather outside and leave a stressful environment.
8. Support Groups
One of the ways to form a supportive network of people who care is by volunteering. Spouses of incarcerated individuals share a unique worry and pain. Furthermore, they have shared financial challenges such as paying local bail bonds and legal fees.
These are the reasons why support groups are crucial for coping. They are more beneficial for spouses who don’t have other family members to help or lean on.
Religious centers, non-profits, and hospitals offer support. When it comes to prison outreach, religious groups are the most active. Keep in mind support groups vary in their modus operandi. Some may take a spiritual approach while others take an educational approach.
Never join the first support group you find. Instead, take a look at different groups and their approach. This way, you can easily find one or more support groups that work for you.
9. Moving Forward
Use the above tips to help you make it to the end. Always remember your physical and mental health is a priority. When you make decisions, make sure they are informed and not emotionally biased.
Adjusting to Initial Challenges as a Spouse of a Prisoner
Going from normal day-to-day living with an incarcerated spouse is a challenge. You experience shame, guilt, frustration, sadness, anger, mourning, and/or loss. The following are ways you can use to ensure you cope more effectively and keep your chin up.
· Mourning
It’s okay to mourn because it’s natural. There are barriers created when a spouse is incarcerated. They include a lack of financial contribution, family involvement, and intimacy. You are experiencing a big life change and a loss.
This means it’s okay to feel out of control, helpless, frustrated, upset, angry, sad, and/or mad. You can express your emotions in different ways. Alternatively, you can journal your feelings and/or what you’re going through. When you write down your feelings you get better at understanding them.
· Deciding What to Tell People
It’s common for married individuals with a spouse in prison to feel ashamed telling people their spouse is in prison. Excuses like “She’s visiting family” or “He’s on a business trip” are common.
Always think about what you are going to tell people when they ask about the absence of your spouse. Consider the people with who you can tell the truth and those with whom you can’t.
Now think about what you tell people. You can say:
- How long he or she will be gone
- What did they do to end up in prison
- Do you want people to know your spouse is incarcerated
- How much do you want to divulge about your situation
Keep in mind you should share what you want and not what people want to know. Be clear about whether the information you share is confidential. You can say something like “What I have told you is between us and I believe you respect the privacy of my family.
· Dealing with Shame and Trauma
Spouses of prisoners sometimes feel shame about their spouses being incarcerated. They feel somehow responsible for the spouse going to jail or guilty of the crime committed. As a spouse, you may start wondering if you played a different role this wouldn’t happen. You may also think of what you would have done differently.
Such thoughts may make you depressed. It’s crucial to confront such feelings and find a solution to the same. For starters, remember your spouse is responsible for the decisions that took them to jail. Once you accept this, you can work towards maintaining your marriage.
· Accepting Reality
When your spouse is in prison, your life changes. You become responsible for doing household chores, paying bills, making a living for the family, and taking of kids where applicable. Things such as anniversaries and holidays will not include your spouse.
It’s healthy to get motivation by reflecting on the happy memories you had. This shouldn’t be a reason to dwell in the past while wishing it to be your present. You will want things to change, but they won’t for the duration your spouse is in prison. This means you need to accept the changes and work on making them as bearable and functional as possible.
Accept that there is a dramatic change in your life. Avoid bucking against it because it makes the process more difficult for you. Make sure you understand that your feelings are a natural part of the circumstances that you are going through.
Try and find someone you can rely on to talk to about what you are experiencing. You can use a therapist or a friend. It also helps you vent out your frustrations without risking reprimands and judgments.
Conclusion
Having a spouse in prison presents a world of challenges. Don’t think it’s the end of the world rather take it as one of those curves that life throws at us. There are many resources you can use to ensure you save and maintain your marriage with a spouse in prison.
The tips will serve as guidelines to ensure you start maintaining your marriage. They are not exhaustive guides, but they will guide you on the right path. This guide should start you on a new journey in your marriage with an incarcerated individual.
